"It's your turn, Chrystal. Go into the room and try on the dress." I was so excited to try on this pretty blue dress for the chorus concert. I walked to the back and tried on a size 8. I could barely get it over my breast. Feeling a little weird asking for a bigger size, I asked for a size 10. I felt a little relief when I was able to get over my chest. Until I asked my teacher to help zip it up and her response was maybe we should try a bigger size. It was that moment when my insecurities started. It was that moment when reality sunk in, and I realized that I was larger than everyone. The next size was a size 12, and it was the largest size the dress came In.
At that moment, as a middle schooler, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to fit the dress. "I am going to stand out" "People are going to talk about me" "What if we have to get new dresses because of me" "What if I am the only one that has to get a new dress" My head filled with questions and I start to become overwhelmed with emotions. In just a couple minutes, I went from being a girl that was extremely excited to instantly being ashamed and insecure. Holding back the tears, I silently prayed to God, "please Lord let me fit in this dress. I don't want to look different than my friends. Please God," I got the dress over my chest. I felt a little relieved because it felt a little looser. I open the door with a small smile, trying to mask the embarrassment, I turn around and have her pull up the zipper. With my heart beating fast, I try to hold back the tears when she struggles to zip it up. A sigh of relief escapes my mouth as she finally zips it all the way. It was tight, but it fit.
That one moment may seem small for some, but it was a life-changing moment. I always knew I was thicker than most, but I never felt ashamed until that moment. I allowed myself to dwell in my insecurities. I never joined the chorus again because of the fear of it happening. I stopped putting myself out there. I started to put myself in a shell that took years to break out. Shortly after, I started wearing jackets. It didn't matter even if it was 100 degrees I would still have a coat. In my mind, nobody could tell me how big I was when I had my jacket. From middle school to high school, I wore a jacket every day and everywhere.
Advice To My Younger Self
If I could tell that little girl anything, I would say to her that you are beautiful and you will always be beautiful no matter what anyone says. You have so much potential inside, so don't focus on your looks. Focus on what you inspire to be.
because once you can master all three, nothing will be impossible for you.
Does anyone else remember that moment when you realized that you were "bigger than others?" How did you deal with it? What would you tell your old self? Let's talk about it!!!